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I walk into the Preventers office for the first
time in two weeks and all the strength I gathered throughout the morning simply leaves me. Trowa and I stand in the doorway
for a split second and I take in the scene that I had wanted to return to, but now want desperately to leave. People are roaming
between desks delivering papers and files as those who are sitting type mindlessly on the computers. A phone rings and someone
quickly answers as someone else picks up their own phone to make a call.
I follow Trowa as we head up to our offices.
People I know wave at me, welcoming me back, and I respond with a fake but convincing smile.
We finally reach our department's
lobby where Heero is sitting behind the large oak desk. He stands when he notices us enter. "Hi, Trowa. Welcome back, Quatre."
He picks up a manila folder from the desk and holds it out to me.
"Thanks," I smile at him and take the file.
"That's
the paperwork you need to fill out for your report on the Sanctese mission."
"Ok," I reply as I start flipping through
the pages, eyeing the lines and questions and judging how long it will take. "See ya later, Heero."
"Bye."
I
turn down the hall, leaving Trowa and Heero back in the lobby. Finally returning to my routine, I unlock my office door, throw
my keys on the desk, drop the folder down next to them, take my coat off and fall into my chair.
For a moment, I close
my eyes and try to gather my wits. Stress of coming back after so long and having to fill out paperwork - which I hate - and
trying to disguise myself to seem happy and trying to get Trowa off my back all weigh heavily on my shoulders. At least I'm
out of the house. I'm glad to be back I guess. I take a deep breath and slowly release it before rubbing my eyes and scooting
up to the desk to start my work.
I open the folder and take out the first bit of papers while grabbing a pen from
the holder. Ok, here we go. Name... Code... blah blah blah...
I fill out the first half of the form without even thinking.
Why don't they just preprint all this stuff ahead of time?
After what seems to short a time, I get to the stuff Ive
been dreading. Mission summary... They give us three pages to fill out with as many details as needed. I don't want to do
this. I don't want to think about it let alone write it out for others to read later.
A chill shoots down my spine
as I start to think about what I can put down without revealing everything. I start to write down the stupid little details
from the beginning. What time we left, what time we arrived at the warehouse, what happened when we got there, what time I
went in...
I don't want to write further. I don't want to think about what happened after that, but like they have
been doing lately, the memories rush through my mind against my will. I see only the darkness in front of me... I feel the
pain in my head, the heat on my skin... I can smell the blood... I can hear the man talking to me, taunting me... I can taste
the blood in my mouth and the bile that seemed to be rising in my stomach... Then the emotions returned. The fear and disparity
and sorrow and hatred and urgency...
No. Stop it. I try to move on, but I still remember. The pain... oh, God. No,
I won.t think about this. Not now. Not ever.
So I skip to the part they want to know about.
I write down how
I chased the terrorist on foot for at least five miles and what time that was. I write how I chased him into the alley, lost
sight of him, then caught up to what I thought was him a second later. I write how I thought it was him, how I shot him...
in the head... and how I didn.t realize until afterward that it wasn.t who I was after.
I read over it to see if I
missed anything and my eyes involuntarily stop on the spot where the information was left out. The memories flood back to
me and I have to drop the pen to hold my face in my hands. Oh God...
I shake my head, clench my eyes tightly shut and
try to force away the headache that is growing in my head. Why won't it just stop? Why can't I forget the things I don't want
to remember? It's my mind, why won't it do the fuck what I want it to?! I'm starting to get frustrated and now I'm beginning
to think it was a bad idea to come back so soon. I just wanted to get out of that damn house, but I didn't want to relive
the mission. That's the last thing I wanted.
I finally decide that it's good enough and leave my office, packed up
and report ready to turn in. I drop it off with Heero, barely saying a word to him. I find Trowa and tell him I'm ready to
go home.
Thankfully, we leave right away. I just want to get out of here. The headache is getting worse...
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