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Suddenly my body is
numb and I can't tell what's going on. I forget where I am and the world around me blurs into a black mist. Whatever happened
is suddenly wiped from my mind and I can hardly think. It's as if I'm waking from a dream; it's like that moment, just as
the dream is being banished and your mind is slowly regaining consciousness, that time when what you see can't be determined
to be real or not, when everything blends together and your so confused about what is happening. It's that incredibly brief
moment when you can't tell what's happening.
My senses seem to be taking a vacation. I cant see anything at all for
a moment. Can't see. Can't feel. I'm so numb.
Then everything comes back into focus. A thunderous clap floods my ears.
The loud and deep bang of the gun rumbles in my chest. I can feel my hands, tightly clasped around the handle of the gun,
my fingers cramping forcefully. My heart beats amazingly fast and intense. I can feel my body twitching from the adrenaline
that's coursing through my veins. The searing energy is trapped in my body with no way to escape. I start to shiver, though
my grip on the gun doesn't falter. The smell of the gun being fired invades my nostrils. My throat is so tight; my tongue
seems coated with the taste of bile. I think I'm going to be sick.
Then the sight of what is happening hits me. I
see the gun in my hand. I see that I am holding the weapon so tight that my knuckles are turning white. My eyes travel past
my paled fingers and past the hot gun. I watch as the body collapses onto the ground with a muffled thud.
The body
is a man. He lies face down on the pavement, limbs weakly fallen to his sides. Then a thick, frightening river of blood emerges
from beneath him. Deep red, almost black blood leaves his body from a hole in his head; the hole where the bullet entered.
The
smell of the blood reaches me and my unoccupied hand reaches up to cover my nose and mouth.
It is then that I drop
the gun. My knees are abruptly too weak to hold me up and I sink to kneel beside the man lying before me. He's dead. I just
killed him. I have killed so many people, but not like this... not at all like this.
Somehow his head is now lying
on its side and I can see that he is not even the person I was after. I just killed a man. The wrong man. An innocent man.
The
numbness returns. I lean my head back, looking up to the gray sky. It's just the sky.
My heart is now fifty pounds
heavier than before. The weight of it all comes rushing in on me to bombard my soul with thousands of spears. I feel my heart
ripping, the tearing of it is so real to me I can almost hear it. I just killed someone, an innocent someone, in cold blood.
The images take over my vision. I put the gun right to his forehead, not pausing to think that I was wrong, and pulled the
trigger. All the senses I felt come rushing back and I lower my head into my hands.
"Quatre..." I hear Trowa hurry
to my side, reaching out to pull me close. His large hands hastily pull me away from the bleeding body, holding me close to
his chest. He backs away, grasping me close, until his back is leaning against the brick wall. He tries to pull me even closer,
but something comes over me and I push him away.
I look at Trowa and realization hits me again. I'm only eighteen.
My life was just getting started. I finally found my way to Trowa and then I do this. I kill someone. I just threw everything
away. Every dream I ever had, every wish to live with Trowa forever, everything gone. My eyes are drawn back to the man that
I killed. Oh, God.
I feel Trowa trying to bring me back into his arms, but I fight him off. I want to tell him to
go away. To leave me alone. To forget me and get on with his life. I want him to forget me. I want him to leave, but he doesn't.
He ignores my fights and holds me so that I cant push him away.
A strong shiver jolts down my spine and my body starts
to ache. I don't want him to hold me not after this. I can face this on my own. I killed someone. I killed someone. I killed
someone.
I am strong enough to take responsibility for my actions. But I find myself holding onto him for dear life
now. My grip on him just as strong as it was on the gun not too long ago. I don't want to face it. I don't want to die. The
pain in my body is so strong. I feel like my soul is trying to break out of my body through every pore.
I picture
everything from Heaven and Hell coming after me. All coming to take me down to burn for all eternity. I can see thunder and
lightning surrounding me. Faces of demons glare at and reach out to me and I hold tighter to Trowa, as if he could stop them
all and protect me. I'm so scared now. I feel so weak and vulnerable, but no matter how much I would like to stop time, I
know I couldn't run from this.
I killed someone. Oh, God
I dont know how long we have been sitting here. I try
to pull away, to look at Trowa's face, but he holds me firmly. His arms won't budge, so neither can I.
I wish he would
just let me go. I want to scream, to tell him to go away, but I can't. I hate this. I am feeling guilty and I hate it. I have
killed so many people and I have come to terms with it all. Why is this having such an effect on me? God, I wish I just could
disappear right now. I'm getting angry with myself for being so stupid. I can't understand why I am reacting this way and
it frustrates me to be so confused.
But I just become numb again. What else is there to do? Nothing matters anymore.
The world blurs. I am no longer in the alley, being held by the one I love. I am just floating. I can't feel anything; my
body has gone so numb. Nothing matters anymore.
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