The thick clouds burst and rain began to fall, pounding harshly
on the black umbrellas that had already been up and prepared. The row of people holding the umbrellas stood in front of the
high fence, staring in. Couples, children and some elderly - all there to ogle in disgust. They held their thick coats tightly
around them, shielding themselves from the onslaught of falling water. The clouds let out a deep rumble of thunder and a small
flash of lightning blinked in the far distance.
The people standing in front of the fence, however paid no heed
to the weather. Whispering to themselves and each other, they were fully concentrated on what was behind the ten-foot fence,
topped with spun wire.
Us.
Barricaded between the fence and a thick brick wall, we were the
evening's attraction and the focus of the people. Blank eyes stared at us, making their own judgments and opinions as they
saw through us and our secrets.
The row of strangers just watched, enjoying themselves. None of
them felt any sympathy. None of them felt anything for us besides abhorrence. We made their stomachs curl; I could tell by
their faces when they realized what was so special about us.
The feeling was strange. I never thought about what I would do if
others knew of us. I naively hoped that it wouldn't be a big deal. I was very wrong.
To these people we were a very big deal - one that should not be.
We werent like them in our 'choice of lifestyle'.
There was only a space of about ten feet between the wall and fence,
the only place we could go. There was no canopy; we had no coats; we had no umbrellas. We were at the full mercy of the rain
while people no more than fifteen feet away smirked because they did not have our misfortune.
Heero repeatedly slammed his fists into the fence, rattling the
wire and trying to create an escape for us. The rain came down on us, working at soaking our clothes through to our skin.
We didn't care that these people were enjoying the show. We werent enjoying this at all.
I tried as he did to create a way out, but it seemed impossible.
All I wanted was to get out of there. The only thing on my mind was that I didn't like being there. I grabbed the fence, hanging
all my weight from my arms, trying to steady my breath.
I think I heard laughter.
Heero helped me up, making sure that I wasn't hurt then continuing
his search for an escape rout.
I wished things were as they'd been before. Flashes of good memories
came to mind to contrast our situation. I remember seeing him smile. His smile was so rare and beautiful; I had seen it only
a few times before and now I feared I would not see it again. His face at the moment appeared as if it would never smile again,
holding only tensed muscles and death-threatening eyes.
Memories of sun and dry clothes came to me and I suddenly felt colder.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I rubbed my upper arms, trying to bring up some warmth. I looked up at the gray sky. Not a
single ray of sun shone through the massive clouds and not a thing around me was left dry. My bangs hung tightly to my forehead
as the water ran down my face. It was only rain. I refused to cry.
I remembered how Heero would braid my damp hair after a shower.
I loved when he braided my hair. I had never let anyone besides myself do so before, but letting Heero do it was something
I gladly obliged to.
My braid was heavy against my back now, soaked to the very last
strand.
What were we going to do?
My attention turned back to the people watching us. They stood in
a nice row in on the opposite side of the fence that caged us in, holding their umbrellas to the rain. I wondered if they
realized how lucky they were, to be dry - or to be ignored. I wondered if they knew that they were lucky not to have their
most intimate desires exposed to the world. I wondered if they were thankful that they were not the ones trapped.
Some of the people were young, around our age, standing next to
people whom I assumed were their parents. A few of the children glared with the adults while some of the others looked confused.
I guess they didnt understand why we were put on display either. However, those who were loyal joined their parents side of
things anyway.
I hated this to no end. They might as well have taken my clothes,
I felt so naked. I could see it in the strangers' faces. They saw right through me and knew everything that I wanted to be
a secret. They didn't like what they saw in me: abnormality, filth, sinfulness. I could sense what they thought of me and
a shiver travel like lightning down my spine.
Heero turned to me, touching my shoulder and bringing me out of
my trance.
His touch grounded me but the feelings were too strong. I felt lost
and helpless. The feelings that the onlookers had towards me reached out and surrounded me. I felt disgusting. I felt like
an alien. Like a repulsive creature from a different planet, all alone and scared.
But I wasn't alone. That's why I was here. Because I had chosen
to be with Heero instead of being alone. To them, it wasn't right. To me it was.
But I am a boy. He is a boy. We were together like a boy and a girl
would be. To them that was not right and so we are here for them to mock.
He was a perfect surprise that heaven had granted me. No one I'd
ever met made me feel the way he did and I couldnt bring myself to let go of him. His strength was what had helped me though
so many times. That rare but amazing smile sent a tingling all over my body. We would kiss and nothing else in the universe
would be left but us. My stomach and chest turned inside me when his skin would brush mine and my breath would stop against
my wishes when his lips touched mine. It amazed me that after being together for so long, he could still do such things to
me. To me this was right.
I tried in the beginning to stop the thoughts, to be normal and
think about girls. But I couldnt block him out of my head. He was always there and I couldnt figure out the feeling. It took
longer than I wish it had, but I did figure it out and decided what I wanted.
Now I just wanted to get away. Away from prying eyes and loathing
stares. I wished that we were in our own world where we could be free to love each other. It was a stupid wish.
It was so cold now and the rain got harder. I just wanted out.
Heero must have sensed my distress. He returned to my side and studied
my hopeless face. The gratefulness and relief I felt when he pulled me into his embrace was indescribable. I needed his support
right now. I rested my head on his soaked chest, trying to smell his scent, but the rain had washed it away. His body let
off the heat that my skin so desperately needed against the freezing rain that circled us. His arms wrapped around me, holding
me tight to him. He squeezed a little tighter when the crowd watching us began to stir at our actions. We didnt care. I just
needed to be held by him and I could tell that he needed the contact as I did. He buried his face against my neck, kissing
it slightly.
I hugged him back, trying to prove to myself that he was there,
that he was not leaving anytime soon. A wave of shivers coursed through me and I began to shake uncontrollably. I didnt know
what was happening, but Heero felt my body trembling and worked to calm me.
The fear that the strangers produced in me disintegrated as he put
his hand behind my neck and pulled me into a kiss. His moist lips fiercely claimed mine as if to yell at our audience - "I
don't care!!! See?!?!" But the audience melted with the rain, the clouds, the fence, the wall and the hard ground we stood
on. The surroundings vanished and I was finally, for a moment, able to concentrate only on him.
My heart pounded stronger, but relaxed at the same time. The anxiety
in my chest began to ease and I was eternally grateful as the immense pain in my head dulled.
The kiss ended sweetly and I rested my head back on his shoulder,
wrapping my arms around his neck. I saw the strangers staring at us, mixtures of shock, repugnance, fear and judgment illuminated
on their faces. I stared defiantly at them, squeezing my Heero tighter. An old man gaped at me, shocked that I really was
what I was said to be. A young couple exchanged a confused, dazed look and then returned their gaze to us. A woman raised
an eyebrow and smirked.
I didn't care.
As Heeros hold on me loosened, the feelings began to return. I felt
like a cornered animal. I knew that I shouldn't have been ashamed of my love for Heero, for another boy, but the people sent
tidal waves of disapproval my way and I had little defenses left to block them. I refused to be embarrassed of my feelings.
I refused to be embarrassed of Heero.
I saw the looks in their faces. The opinion that most of them had.
They wondered why I would choose Heero. They wondered why I would choose a boy instead of a girl. I didn't wonder. I had not
chosen. If I had a choice, I would not love another boy. I would love a girl and have an easier life. If I had it my way I
don't want to say that. I don't want Heero to be a girl; I want Heero to be Heero. If I had it my way it would be ok for me
to feel this way. It would be ok according to others and not just us.
The only choice I made was to be true to myself and to my feelings.
I refused to deny them, as so many people believed that I should have.
I was tired, cold, scared and mentally exhausted. I clung to Heero,
refusing to let go. I needed to feel him there, to know that he was still with me. He had told me on numerous accounts that
he loved me and would never be ashamed of our relationship. I knew that he wasn't and it made me angry at myself that I was
feeling a twinge of sadness at having our secret exposed.
Really, it wasn't the secret being exposed that bothered me; it
was that we were put on display because of that secret. Yes. That was it. I stopped being mad at myself.
I knew it would make my life so much easier just to forget him,
but I couldn't. I refused to. As the thought passed my mind, I held him tighter. He returned it with a fierce hug and then
we separated. We continued to look for a way out, again trying to break the gate open.
I backed away as Heero's anger grew and he tried frantically to
make an escape in the fence. I fell back to the wall, sinking down to the ground as the rain swallowed me up. I hugged my
legs to my chest, resting my forehead on my knees, trying to settle my breathing.
The air continued to get colder and the trembling returned. My body
shook and I tried to still myself, but failed miserably. I threw my head back, leaning against the bricks, again watching
the darkened sky. I opened my mouth, trying to calm my breath and stop the tears that fell.
I saw the people out of the corner of my eye, staring, whispering
and nodding towards me. Some others were focused on Heero who was beginning to pace along the fence in agitation.
He must have seen me because he halted and rushed to my side, sinking
down next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. He draped his other arm over me, while I rested a hand
on his chest. It felt comforting to be near him again, but at the same time, I felt defeated.
We sat in a pool of water, the ground having long been taken over
by the rush of rain.
Again, the air reduced its temperature. The rain became softer,
slowly morphing into snowflakes. Heero looked up, noticing the weather change and snuggled still closer. I laid my head on
his shoulder, as he lay his head on mine. We curled up together, trying to shield ourselves from our frozen surroundings.
It was all we could do. I didn't even notice the people anymore - I was too exhausted and my head too jumbled with mixed and
confused emotions. I let my eyes slide close as I absorbed the warmth that radiated off Heero. I didnt go to sleep, I just
basked in the comfort he gave me.
I don't know how long we stayed there. I really didn't care. We're
still being watched, still on display, but we no longer paid attention to it.
I could hear the crowd growing restless, talking amongst themselves,
spitting words and terms that burned my ears to hear. I never wanted to be called that again.
After an eternity, Heero decided that we need try again. We couldnt
just stay there forever, after all. He helped me to my unsteady feet, firmly holding my hand. We then moved through the mixture
of rain and snow, following the length of the fence. Our audience watched us rise and move away, and after a few feet, I didn't
know if they were still watching us or not, I couldn't hear them. The snow was bringing a calmness to the area. An uneasy
calmness.
My stomach churned and my heart beat unevenly. I was scared. Even
if we did get away they still knew. We were still disgusting creatures to them What was there to do about it, though? The
helplessness washed over me again. I hated feeling like this. I hated how those people were affecting me. I didn't want to
feel like this. I didnt want to feel bad about my relationship with Heero. I did not want to feel shame like this. So I refused
to; I forced it out of my head. Whatever would happen, would happen and I had Heero there to help me though it. He was there
for me, I could feel his hand in mine, and I was there for him. Fuck what everyone else thought. I am human and I deserve
to love and to be loved. Why wouldn't I have that right like everyone else?
I didn't know what happened or where we went from there, but there
was a break in the wall and we're no longer trapped. I looked at him and a relieved, joyous smile came over our faces. We
held each other's hand and walked away, leaving the onlookers far behind.
