I remember rolling over, snuggling into the warm pillow. I took in a deep breath; the pillow smelled of sweat, Heero and sex. I slowly let out the breath and extended my arm to reach out for my lover's warmth. My hand trailed over the bed and met nothing. I opened my eyes - Heero's side of the bed was empty and cold.

Sitting up, I pushed aside my tangled braid and lifted myself out of bed.

I noticed the closet door open. As I stood up, I was able to see that there was empty space where last night there had been Heero's clothes. I rushed to the open door and stood dazed near the empty closet. I entered the hallway and continued hastily down the hall, passing Wufei's room and then Quatre and Trowa's. Both were vacant. When I entered the living room, seeing the three there, looking concerned, I knew something was very wrong.

Then I thought of the previous night. In a quick and un-thought out moment, we had given in and been together. It hit me that Heero was terrified to death of loosing control. It was the only thing, which I know of, that he was afraid of. What if he left because of me? I suddenly felt disgusted with myself and a sudden urge to shower came over me. What had I done?

The guys explained to me that they had woken up to find Heero and all his belongings throughout the house, gone. It was as if he had never lived in the simple apartment - like he just vanished out of thin air. No one knew why he left. He just did.

So many thoughts went through my head. I thought that maybe I shouldn't have pushed it. Maybe I wasn't good, or maybe it scared him. Maybe he had decided, after sampling sex with me, that what he really wanted was Relena. I mean it's not like they didn't have feelings for each other. They had even gone out a few times; that situation was what I was scared of the most.

Wufei continued to think of things logically. He reasoned that he must have realized that he did not fit in here - in a normal life.

Trowa was more in tune with the idea that Heero was afraid of normalcy and that he left because he was not familiar with living and caring for other people. The new life must have been too much for him, were Trowa's thoughts.

I liked talking to Quatre though; I think he knew something about what I was going through. Besides, he's the only one I told what Heero and I had done. So he knew the most and was therefore trustier with the situation.

I tried looking for him at first, and then I realized who it was I was looking for. If Heero Yuy did not wish to be found, then he wouldn't be. My spirit was exhausted and so, I gave up the search and began to retreat. It felt to me like it was all my fault; I had pushed Heero away. I had lost control of myself and done something I shouldn't have. I came on to him and I made his control slip. I had said something about commitment, not realizing that he couldnt have possibly wanted that. It was my fault. Mine.

I remember lying in his old bed, thinking about him, about that night. Then about that morning that I had woken up and he had been gone. The fear I felt and the pain that went through my heart. The kind of pain that stops the beating when hope turns to disappointment and guilt.

I thought of all of the things that I could have done to possibly stop him from leaving and in the end, all I felt was this terrible distance from everything. More then ever before, I felt alone. Being with Heero had helped me figure out what I wanted. I wanted him, and nothing could change that. When he had been here, I had purposefully pushed his buttons. Now that he was gone, I found myself regretting all of that and simply missing him.

Once, when I was desperate to know something, anything, I had called Relena to see if Heero had run to her. He hadn't. No one knew where he was and every once in a while someone who knew him during the war or what-have-you would call and ask about him. Others, who knew that he was gone, often asked if I had heard anything. I wished that they wouldn't ask me anything. It hurt me to have to tell them all I knew - nothing.

It was driving me crazy and all I wanted was to see him again, to know why he left and have a chance to fix it. He had just disappeared. No note. Nothing. Just gone. The guilt increased with everyday that he was gone. Before, when I still had the hope that he would return soon, I had been at least all right, if but a little upset. Now I was ready to die, if only it would bring him close enough to be at my funeral.

Quatre's concern grew along with my depression. He tried to get me to go out to dinner with them, to go anywhere but Heero's bed and the bathroom. I saw his eyes, day to day, go from understanding to piteous to worrisome.

He brought Trowa in on it, and Wufei came along and all were generally concerned for my mental health. Neither Trowa nor Wufei understood to what extreme my relationship with Heero had gone and so didnt understand why I was so depressed. Quatre, the only one who knew, seemed to be joining their side despite his knowledge.

I was alone now, and nothing in the world was meaningful.

My thoughts focused around him; my day consisted of eating as little as possible, going to the bathroom and thinking about Heero - where he was, what he was doing, who he was with, and most importantly, what I did to make him leave me. To me, it wasn't just him leaving anymore. It was him leaving me specifically. By then, I knew that he had left because of something I had done.

That morning played over and over and over in my mind. The pain resurfaced every time, returning so horribly that I could think of nothing else. I spent everyday curled up on his side of his bed, hugging my knees, ignoring the mess my neglected braid had become.

I only thought of him. The yearning for him grew and grew. I missed him so much that I cried, and then forced myself to stop with the razors in the bathroom cabinet. The night before, the night we had spent together was something that I liked to think about while snipping my wrists with tiny cuts. I punished myself for coming on to him. For kissing him back, for following into his room.

I had enjoyed those moments, oh yes. I remembered them with pleasure until I would realize that that night was why he left. I had lost control and given in to the feeling Id had for too long. Now, like everyone else I had lost control with and loved, I had lost him.

I wanted to run like he did. I wanted to disappear like he had, to get away from that apartment that held so many painful memories and just . . . become non-existent. Maybe if I became non-existent, I could be wherever he was non-existing.

I thought about him and wondered if he was alone the way I was then. Had he found someone new to love? Did he have anyone to care for? to care for him?

Everyday I wanted to give up on it all. To just let myself die and be done with it. I imagined that once I was dead, I could soar around the world as a ghost and maybe find him that way.

He left me that morning. Like they all did. They all left me. I was used to it now. Just another day in the life of death. I had though when I was younger that if I became death itself, then I could control who would stay with me and not have to worry about who would leave me next. It seemed to be the opposite. As death, I was destined to experience it in abundance.

I just wished that I could be with someone who would stay with me. I wished I had someone that I knew would always be there. I wished that it was Heero.

I'm alone no matter what. That's my life.

I became numb to the world - and to myself. I stopped eating and easily ignored the hunger in my stomach. I had dealt with worse on L2. I hugged my knees and wished that, as death, I could make myself die right then.

The pain in my heart of missing him was incredible. It slowly faded, though. Everything faded. Never saw him again. Never found out for sure why he left. Only know that I'm alone completely now. The guys had had enough and left me here. They left me like all the others.

I live in one room. It's never too cold and they always make me eat. I hate it. There is no way I can possibly die here. They wont let me.

The guys told me that they found Heero and he did not want to come back. That was it. I was done. Fine, let me die. They had told him that they put me in here, but he never came. I dreamed of him coming in to take me away from all the white and pain and take me somewhere where we could be alone, together.

He never came back for me. They never do. Why don't they ever come back for me?